[FW] So You Found Yourself in The Friend Zone

 Fun fact: I have a third degree black belt in crushing on guys for extended periods of time.  Average crush time: 3.5 years.  Is it because I have nothing better to do? Probably.  Is it because I pick genuinely good people to fawn over? Sure.  Is it a result of the not-too-uncommon need for young girls (and maybe boys) to seek affection and spend hours (or in my case, years) praying that there will be some sign of reciprocated affection in any form? If I'm speaking for myself, then yes.  I remember the exact moment I first felt the sweet ache that a crush creates in the bottom of your lungs.  I was rolling backwards down a steep hill in my backyard, riding shotgun in an old golf cart while I screamed at the neighbor boy to SLOW DOWN and OH MY GOD WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME.  When he replied "because it's fun to make you mad!" the feels hit me like a sack of soggy bricks.  It's always the bad boys, isn't it, ladies?  

Of course, girls aren't the only people to have crushes.  When a boy likes a girl, ONE method of seeking reciprocated attraction is to play it cool and take a keen in a girls feelings, listening to her woes, receiving her calls and texts when the guy she likes is being an ass hat, maybe bringing her a pint of the holy Ben and Jerry's when she's really down in the dumps, etc.  The boy resists the urge to make any moves that would jeopardize this friendly relationship, instead waiting for the girl to confess her feelings.  Suddenly, a turn is taken where the girl finds a boyfriend who is not the same boy who has been tending to her every need.  WHAT? HOW- HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? Wait, bro, you put in all of that hard work and you still didn't bag the chick? Doesn't she, like, owe it to you?  Ah, see, there is the issue.  The idea that you would expect something as intimate as sex (making the grand assumption that that was the target of your comforting tactics) in return for pats on the back, listening to boring phone calls, and bringing her ice cream is a grave misinterpretation of the concept of being a decent human being.  So when you are so shocked that the girl didn't pick you as the most promising of candidates, keep in mind that the joke is on you for assuming that a girl will give you her body in return for your time.  

Two ground rules for staying out of the dreaded Friend Zone:

#1: Don't assume that you're doing a girl a favor by using deceit to lead her to think you're a good person.  You're not flattering anyone, nor are you making yourself more attractive by using this tactic.

#2: Don't waste your time "being there" for a girl when your motives are set in a different direction.  Girls would rather you NOT be a good listener/friend and be HONEST about your motives than APPEAR to be a good listener/friend and be DECEITFUL about it. 

I have found myself deep in the Friend Zone once before.  My last crush had an appreciation for great writing, an even greater appreciation for good 90s rock music, and cheeks that always made him look like he'd just walked in from a blizzard.  Needless to say, he was dreamy as heck.  When he introduced me to his girlfriend last year, I found myself following glowing traffic cones and flashing diamond-shaped signs in to the Friend Zone.  It hurt for a while, like that feeling in my lungs had leaked into my spine where the aching suddenly didn't feel so sweet anymore.  But the thing that makes my experience in the Friend Zone a little different than the boys who grieve over the fact that they never got laid despite all their wasted time was that, oh yeah, I wasn't dead-set on getting laid.  I never spent time reading Plato's Republic so that the two of us could discuss the philosophy with the mindset that it would push me towards the likelihood of getting something more than a good conversation out of it.  I never made plans to get coffee or go to a concert with the hopes that maybe we'd do something more (cough cough) afterwards.  The melancholic feeling in me was subdued when I remembered that I liked him a lot because he was the coolest guy I knew, and that didn't change simply because my chances had plummeted below sea level (even though they were 6000 miles below the surface to begin with).  People who find themselves in the Friend Zone can be victims of an unfortunate hand of cards in the relationship game, or they can be culprits of a deceitful plan to receive intimacy in return for taking an disingenuous interest in someone's feelings.  

Note: I generalized "boys" who use this tactic of getting a "girl" because I predominantly see guys complaining about being put in the Friend Zone rather than girls.  I suppose this is because relationships and sex tend to be in more distant categories for girls as opposed to guys who often group these two categories together.  In theory, girls can be culprits of these deceitful tactics, but something tells me she'd reach her target in much less time than a boy would with a girl.  Let's not forget to exclude same-sex relationships, in which these tactics could be used just as often as they can be in opposite-sex relationships.

Another Note: this idea for a blog post has been festering in my mind ever since I saw the wonderful Dylan Garity's performance of his poem "Friend Zone," which can be found on YouTube.